My Hot New Conspiracy Theory!

I have an idea for a nutjob conspiracy theory.  I’m talking about the kind of thing you can put up on a cheap website, with everything in html, with pictures of pyramids and creepy floating eyeballs; one of those sites where the background is black and the text is white, except for the really, really scary parts, the stuff about the antichrist and the Bavarian Illuminati, those parts are highlighted in red like the words of Christ in an old bible.  I’m talking about one of those Youtube videos where some grizzly old dude is glaring into his webcam with the eyes of a starved prophet, and the second you click it you can just smell the mildew stink from the old books and the militia newsletters straining his Ikea shelves; this guy yelling about the government or the Jews or what have you, and even over the internet you can smell the dirty camouflage fatigues and the gunpowder.  I have an idea for that kind of conspiracy theory, and isn’t that what the world is waiting for?  Aren’t we tired of believing in space aliens and lizard people?  Doesn’t it seem like the Illuminati should spend more of their time enslaving the world and less time encoding hidden references to themselves all over a culture they’re supposed to be hiding their own existence from?  Isn’t it high time we, as conspiracy consumers, start demanding higher quality, more credible theories of covert world-wide domination, especially at a time when the US military and security state are openly behaving in ways that make the reptilian overlords look like the incompetent Sleestacks I have always imagined them to be?  I believe so, and to that end, I’d like to submit my thesis for a new wing-nut conspiracy theory that should chill you to your bone, so get ready to pack that extended clip full of rounds and refill your Adderol prescription.  Because here its, in bold typeface, and, what the hell, all caps:


Over the last several decades, the most respected academics in the fields of history and sociology have confirmed the existence of the Slaveocracy, but it is only recently that top-secret documents have been discovered, detailing their extensive involvement in genetic engineering and their development and implementation of Nazi-Communist mind control technology.  These documents, initially discovered by Buster Handsometown, a haphazardly courageous blog commenter and part-time karaoke host, have unfortunately been lost, and probably suppressed forever by the Nazi-Communist Slaveocracy that controls over ninety percent of the world’s digital information.  Mr. Handsometown came across the documents quite by accident, while setting up the mixing board for a karaoke party hosted by the Skull and Bones society in the top-secret Buffalo Wild Wings hidden in a sub-basement under Independence Hall in Philadelphia.  Handsometown decoded these documents, known in conspiracy circles as the B-Dubs Papers, and was moments away from posting them to the Infowars discussion board, when he tragically fell dead behind his computer in his Zanesville, Ohio, home, a death attributed in official documents to a massive coronary failure.

However, Handsometown’s death has always been shrouded in mystery, as Muskingum County EMT and long-time friend, Derrick Shaver, a first-responder at the scene, reports,

“I been friends with Buster since we was in Cub Scouts together, and I know he never passed by a Hostess snack that he didn’t cram immediately down his never-ending abyss of a throat.  More than once, I saw him wolf down a box of Nutty Buddies right there in the aisle at Kroger’s, without paying or nothing, so I’m not going to sit here and tell you Buster was a health nut.  And I seen what the coroner’s report said, too.  But I tell you this; I ain’t never seen a heart attack make somebody’s brain explode like that, and leave itty-bitty chunks of skull all over his Sony Vaio.  It just don’t happen.”

In another unexplained tragedy connected to this case, moments after giving this interview, EMT Shaver was hit by an intense bolt of blue lightning that evaporated his body instantaneously, leaving no trace except a Google logo smoldering in the blacktop on State Route 40.

Before his untimely death, Buster revealed the contents of the B-Dubs Papers to me during an all-night eighties karaoke jam at a dockside bar in Buckeye Lake.  The details he laid before me that night, as one after another intoxicated men in Realtree camo boots croaked the choruses to Every Rose Has its Thorn and Pour Some Sugar on Me, were nothing short of shocking.  Based on my copious notes, unsure whether I will live to click the “Publish” icon on my WordPress blog, or if I too, will fall victim to the murderous will of the Nazi-Communist Slaveocracy, I now relate the contents of the B-Dubs Papers, as shown to me by Mr. Handsometown, on that fateful night.

The roots of the Nazi-Communist Slaveocracy go back to the seventeenth century, during the early days of European colonization of the North American continent.  The Slaveocracy was comprised of those wealthiest among the settlers, who saw in the new continent an exciting new source of revenue.  The uncultivated lands of the Americas were the ideal place to begin farming tobacco, a popular new luxury item then wafting its smoky way through the posh salons of Europe.  To grow tobacco, however, the Slaveocracy needed access to large quantities of land (which was readily available in America) and large amounts of intense human labor, which was not.

So the Slaveocracy imported laborers, at first drawn largely from the dispossessed lower classes of European society.  But the European migrants showed little interest in toiling under the lash on the Slaveocrats’ tobacco farm after the terms of their indentures were up, and so they left the tobacco fields to form farms of their own, becoming a nuisance and occasionally a source of competition for the Slaveocrats themselves.  To curb this threat to their power structure, the Slaveocrats imported large numbers of slaves from Africa, who were considered the property of the individual Slaveocrat.

This state of affairs, while beneficial to the Slaveocracy, was detrimental not only to the imported Africans, who were systematically stripped of their rights and humanity in a series of decisions by the Slaveocracy’s colonial legislature, but also to the poor European population who, unable to compete with large-scale growing operations that utilized slave labor, found themselves dispossessed again in their new homes, scarcely able to eke out a living on the frontier.  But, crucially, this social structure created the basis for a common cause between the enslaved Africans and the poor Europeans, who lived on the new continent under conditions that hovered between serfdom and abject destitution.  Both groups stood to gain if they united forces to overthrow the Slaveocracy.

This was always clear to the architects of the Slaveocrat society.  They consciously crafted laws to divide their African subjects from their European subjects, and create a false antagonism between the two camps.  But it would take a rebellion, specifically the upheaval known as Bacon’s Rebellion in 1676, to push the Slaveocracy into action.

Bacon’s Rebellion saw the nascent flourishing of class unity between the enslaved Africans and the destitute Eurpopean population.  This was intolerable to the Slaveocracy.  To deal with this threat, the Slaveocracy put into motion the most draconian and satanically-inspired plan in the annals of human cruelty:  the invention of racism.

To keep the different colors of poor people upon whom their wealth and power depended from uniting, the Slaveocracy made a literal pact with the devil.  The B-Dubs Papers explain in gratuitously bloody detail how, on the banks of the Potomac one dark night when the New Moon coincided with the black feast of Samhain, the prominent members of the Slaveocracy met under the scarlet glow of an enormous bonfire.  There, they spilled the blood of a sacrificed virgin (hence the name of their colony, VIRGINIA!) onto the open pages of the only known copy of the mad Arab, Abdul Ahazared’s, infamously vile book, the Necrinomicon.  Thus, with the aid of the ancient Philistine sea-god Dagon, they were able to import Nazi-Communist brain control technology from the future.

The Dagonic Nazi-Communist Slaveocracy conspirators set to work immediately, using their stolen technology to modify the brain patterns of the European inhabitants of the English Colonies.  Through mind control, they convinced these dirt-farming paupers, who the Slaveocracy had hitherto only valued as a buffer against Indian attacks, that they were members of a mythological construction called the White Race.  This race, the Nazi-Communist Slaveocracy told their European brain slaves, was superior, the natural master of all other races, juxtaposed specifically against the “black,” or, “Negro,” Race of Africans who were suited only for servitude.

Of course, the mythology of the “White Race,” was complete fiction.  Before the ascendency of the Slaveocracy- indeed, before their Dagon-Satanic introduction of Nazi-Communist technology into human affairs- there was no mention, no concept of any such race.  Prior to the intervention of Nazi-Communist brain control, humans saw themselves as divided by tribe, by nationality or religion, even by familial clan, but the concept of a race, delineated by skin-color, who were the inheritors of mastery over all other skin-color races, was new, invented out of whole cloth by the Dagon-Satanic Nazi-Communist Slaveocracy to serve its own economic interest.

It is important to note that the White Race mythology conferred no real physical or material benefit to the class of poor “white” farmers to whom it was peddled.  They continued to labor in poverty under the heel of the Slaveocracy, with no meaningful political rights.    In fact, the political and religious myth of the White Race convinced the poor “whites” to act as enforcers for the Slaveocracy, wielding the lash themselves and helping the Slaveocrats keep their slaves, “in their place,” as the new parlance of racist ideology would have it.  So, while the mythology of racism told the white farmers that they were the scions of a superior race, the ideological intent and the material effect of racism was simply to make the poor whites more obedient and enthusiastic subjects of their Nazi-Communist overlords.

So, we see that the invention of the white race, and its attendant ideological construct of racism, was a product of Satanically-inspired brain control aimed at enslaving the very race of people who it invented.  It proved remarkably effective as an ideological weapon.  The Slaveocracy shared its Nazi-Communist technology with their allies in the John Bull Protestant Mercantile Empire, and the Dagon-Satanic framework of racial hierarchy and White racial supremacy found a natural expression, as the British military began to conquer large portions of the globe in its name.

Time passed.  A new class arose in the world, its coffers stuffed with the profits they gleaned from the remorseless plunder of Africa, India and points East.  Soon, the Slaveocracy was able to offer slave-produced cotton as grist to the new industrial textile mills, and so began the greatest accumulation of wealth the world had ever seen.

Slavery was the crucial factor in this early economic accumulation, so to protect profits, the “peculiar institution” in which human beings were treated as property, their subjugation branded in their skin from birth to grave, was codified in American law.  More so than democracy, personal achievement or equality of opportunity, The Nazi-Communist lie of White Racial supremacy became the foundational tenet of American society.  The fundamental nature of this Dagon-Satanically created idea in the social structure of early America is evidenced by the Supreme Court’s Dred Scott Decision, which held that the framers of the US Constitution viewed Black Americans as, “beings of an inferior order, and altogether unfit to associate with the white race, either in social or political relations, and so far inferior that they had no rights which the white man was bound to respect.”  Clearly, the founders of the American State were themselves deeply involved in Nazi-Communist mind control activities.

With their wealth and power based on agriculture, the Slaveocracy needed to expand geographically in order to continue to thrive economically.  They once again employed brain control technology to propagate the notion that the US had a “manifest destiny” to control the entire continent of North America, and in the name of that Nazi-Communist idea, they used the disposable children of the laboring class of white Americans as cannon fodder in an expansionist war against Mexico, and as foot soldiers in a protracted campaign of genocide against the American Indians.

This would not be the last time that the Slaveocracy would use Nazi-Communist brain control to dupe lower class whites into fighting a war in their interests.

The expansion of the Slaveocracy put them into direct conflict with the moneyed interests of the industrialized North.  When these tensions finally erupted in civil war, the Slaveocracy, in need of millions of soldiers to fight its war and protect its power, put its Nazi-Communist brain control technology to use again.

The mass of poor white farmers and workers in the South had no material interest in defending the institution of slavery.  Without the means to own slaves themselves, poor whites were forced to the margins of the economy, abjectly dominated by the superior wealth of the Slaveocracy.  In order to convince these marginal farmers to throw their bodies in front of Union musket balls in their hundreds of thousands, the Nazi-Communist Slaveocracy fabricated the idea that theirs was a battle for “States’ Rights.”  Rather than a fight for slavery, this war would be a war for freedom, the freedom of states to allow their citizens to own slaves.

This ubiquitous talk of States’ Rights was a transparent falsehood from the start.  The Fugitive Slave Law, as well as the aforementioned Dred Scott Decision, were both acts of government that curtailed the rights of states in favor of the rights of slaveholders.  If the Slaveocracy really held states’ rights to be sacrosanct – indeed, so inviolable that one of the bloodiest wars in history was necessary to protect them – then they should have defended the rights of free states to offer refuge to fugitive slave if they so choose.  Of course, they did not, because that would have conflicted with the economic interest of the Slaveocracy.  The Civil War was entirely about defending those interests, that is to say, it was entirely about slavery, with the half-baked notion of States’ Rights offered as a convenient ideological cover, enforced, as shown above, with Nazi-Communist brain control technology imported from the future.

Of course, in a tremendous victory for the cause of human emancipation against the machinations of the Dagon-Satanic Slaveocracy cult, the Slaveocracy lost the war.  For a period of several years, known as “Radical Reconstruction,” the power of the Slaveocracy was broken up.  This allowed space for the flourishing democracy that the American South had never seen before, and, tragically, would never see again.  Fair labor practices, the creation of public schools, and voting equality were among the advances made during the Reconstruction period, before they were turned back by a resurgent Slaveocracy.

In order to regain its stranglehold on power in the South, the Slaveocracy again turned to Nazi-Communist technology to spread the ideology of racism, this time relying heavily on tactics of violent terrorism (i.e. the cultic and clearly Dagonist Ku Klux Klan) to spread their message.  In many southern cities, Nazi-Communist race riots overthrew democratic Reconstruction governments and reinstalled the Slaveocracy by force.  The important thing to note here is that the disempowerment of the Slaveocracy, and the reforms instituted during the Reconstruction period, was beneficial to poor whites as well as to freed slaves, but that poor whites participated in the racist backlash and the return to power of the Slaveocracy.  And so we see, yet again, that the white population, under the influence of Nazi-Communist brain control, succumbed to the lie of race privilege and took an active role in its own re-enslavement.

After its return to power, the Slaveocracy merged itself with the Northern industrial money power, and for a century used the Nazi-Communist lie of racial superiority to control the population.  Racist segregation created a class of hyper-exploited workers within the labor market, which put downward pressure on wages and blunted the effectiveness of labor struggles.  Under the influence of Nazi-Communist brain control, the white workers north and south organized to harass and exclude their black brethren, and thus short-circuited any opportunity to unite together and fight for their own livelihoods against their common oppressors, the Financial and Industrial Monopolies.

During the 1950’s and ‘60’s, as the rising tide of the Civil Rights movement began to break through centuries of aggregated mind control that had led to racism’s general acceptance among massive portions of the American population, the Slaveocracy again tried to counter it by trotting out the tired, old, “states’ rights” argument, but this time it was much less effective.  This is partly because the power of interracial unity as the people united to fight segregation was stronger than the southern elites’ brain control, and partly because, as they tried to keep black students out of schools and keep them segregated in restaurants and buses, as they used crude and patently ridiculous measures to keep them away from the ballot box, it was obvious to most observers that the White Slaveocrat power structure were just being cocks, states’ rights notwithstanding.

To counter the gains made by the Civil Rights Movement in the sixties, the Nazi-Communist Slaveocracy switched party alignments, from the southern Democrats they had previously supported to the Republicans who had once been the party of abolition, and developed a new brain-control strategy.  Eschewing the clunky and archaic rhetoric of states’ rights, they would now focus on issues around crime and the welfare state.  During the seventies and eighties, through to today, Dagon-Satanic racist politicians and Nazi-Communist propaganda blowhards on talk radio and cable news have spread the message that our society is besieged by criminals, and that welfare cheats are plundering our nation’s taxpayers, spending their monthly checks on crack cocaine while churning out babies by the dozen.

For this new strategy to work, they had to avoid open appeals to racism.  And so, while avoiding directly racist language, they used a wink and a nod, combined with a powerful dose of brain control hypnosis, to strongly suggest that the criminals and welfare cheats that they were referring to were black.

The influence of this type of Dagon-Satanically influenced thought pattern can be seen in statements such as this one from beloved nineteen seventies cock-rocker Ted Nugent, who, in the wake of the George Zimmerman verdict, said –I’m paraphrasing here– , “I’m not a racist, I like Chuck Berry, but I simply assume that every black person I see is a criminal.”

This newly framed racist brain control tactic has proven enormously effective at further oppressing and impoverishing the already oppressed and impoverished black community.  “Tough on crime” policies, virtually unassailable from a political standpoint, have fostered the buildup of one of the largest and most sophisticated prison systems the world has ever seen.  The United States imprisons more people than openly totalitarian dictatorships like China and North Korea.  Most of those in prison are racial minorities, and come from communities with little economic opportunity that are also disproportionately targeted for police enforcement.

But, over the last thirty years, the Nazi-Communist brain control regime has also invested much of its energy in the liberal academy.  There, it has spread the concept of “white privilege,” the notion that white people, all white people from your cousin smoking weed and dying of preventable disease in the trailer park to the upper echelons of the transnational corporate class, reap direct benefits from the social structure of racism, and therefore have something to gain from perpetuating racist oppression.  Nearly all college students now believe some form of this idea.

Of course, it is a lie, a false construction propagated by the Nazi-Communist Slaveocracy.

As noted above, the intent and the result of racist mind control, from the start, has been the disempowerment and economic oppression of most of the “white” population.  Recent studies demonstrate how profoundly this Nazi-Communist brain experiment has succeeded.  Since the beginning of the neoliberal era in economics, an era that coincided roughly with the “tough on crime” policies that have instituted a police state in the cities of America and the policies against social spending which, inspired by Dagon-Satanic race bigotry as an attack against black people, have destroyed the social safety net and made life more brutal for black and white alike, white people have seen their wealth and incomes fall more than any other group.

When Buster Handsometown showed me this documentation, documents that have since, sadly, been eradicated, I was aghast.  I felt cheated, manipulated, and powerless to do anything about it.  Here was incontrovertible evidence of a vast, cynical conspiracy that has, for centuries, successfully ripped me and my forbearers by cleverly insinuating that we were members of some mythical master race.

I was bereft.  Crestfallen.  So intense was my feeling of hopelessness, that I actually spent several days stumbling from bar to bar, drinking straight liquor in Zanesville, Ohio.  I found myself standing on the Y Bridge, sullenly gazing down into the murky water of the Muskingum, contemplating the end of my life.

And that’s when it hit me; there was something I could do.  I could spread the word.  I could use the internet, and tell all tell all the rest of my white people how royally we were getting shafted.

So listen up, white folks.  We’re boned.

People who think they’re better than us have been pumping us full of bullshit for centuries, and that bullshit is known as racism.  They want us all blaming black people and Mexicans and Chinese and brown people of all shapes and sizes for our problems, so that we don’t get together and fight for a better life.  The Nazi-Communist Slaveocracy has  been keeping us down since the sixteen hundreds, and we’ve been helping them out.  Every time we told a racist joke or accused Mexicans of taking our jobs, we were helping them.  Every time we sat in judgment on someone who had less than we did, we were helping them.  Every time we let the lie of racial superiority convince us it was a good idea to oppress someone else, we were participating in our own oppression.

So now I’m posting this to my blog, my finger trembling as my cursor hovers over the “publish” button.  I may not live to see any of you again.  If, tomorrow, I’m found dead of a “self-inflicted” brutal decapitation, please remember my words and carry on the message for which I gave my life.




1 Comment

August 17, 2013 · 5:42 pm

One response to “My Hot New Conspiracy Theory!

  1. MyIQjustShrunk

    Did anybody make it past the first paragraph? Congratulations to those who did and respect to the many fallen.

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